coffee talk

Last night I met up with some girlfriends to have coffee and chat about life, which we like to do every couple or so weeks. Nikki, Kathy and I have been friends for a very long time. I've known Nikki since fourth grade and Kathy since seventh. We can talk about anything and everything, so last night was no different... but somehow it got me thinking.

Kathy has made the decision to be confirmed in the Trinity Episcopal Church. A very huge and admirable decision in my view. She has attended confirmation class along with others of the same goal. I'm not really sure how she came upon the decision to become a member of this church and for that matter, why this certain church. I know she's certain she's doing the right thing and I can't help but feel awed. Awed in the fact that she's doing this completely alone for one thing, her boyfriend is not a church goer, and that nothing has persuaded her to attend... at least not to my knowledge.

It brings me back to myself, growing up in a household of strong faith of a religion very much scrutinized and not very well understood (in my opinion). My Mom and Step Dad became members of the Church of Latter Day Saints, when I was 8, I think. I really didn't know any other religion. I had attended random churches when I was really young but nothing permanent. Actually I remember a time when I was the only one in my family to go to church (at least this is how I remember it). I loved it so much I would go to different churches all the time just to try them out. That was back when a little bus would drive around and pick all of the kids up and take them to church. The experience of joining the Mormon church was completely different. I felt like all of the kids in attendance had grown up together and I had a lot of catching up to do. They could recite scriptures from memory and tell stories from the Bible that I'd never even heard of. I was pretty quiet those first several years but I still made the decision to get baptised. Looking back I don't know that I really knew what a baptism was. I was 9 or 10 years old. It was the right thing to do. All of my other church friends were doing it, of course I wanted to fit in, my parents were proud of my decision, I wanted their approval.

As I grew up in the church my faith did get stronger and I enjoyed being there and attending church functions and trips.... until I reached high school, probably about my Sophomore year. I didn't want to do it anymore. At that point I was attending seminary 5 days a week at 6:15 in the morning, every morning before school, as well as church on Sundays and young women events on Wednesday evenings. I was a typical rebellious teenage. I feel sorry for my Mom and Step Dad who had to put up with me and my hormones. All I wanted to do was sleep in, I thought nothing of myself. My parents, I'm sure, could tell I was losing interest. Losing my faith. But we never talked about it specifically. I felt bad, I didn't want to lie anymore, but I didn't want to hurt them. So I just became depressed. I did a lot of things I regret. I knew better, but I didn't know better at the same time. The lines of communication were definitely not open. I quietly avoided going to seminary and eventually didn't even go my Senior year. After high school I didn't go to church at all.

Today, I'm not even sure what I believe in. I don't consider myself a Mormon anymore. I'm certainly not living by the faith in which they keep. I don't want to go back where I came from but I don't know where I want to be. I think at some point Matt would like to attend church, I'm not sure which one. I don't think he's even certain which one. I want to believe in something or for that matter, not believe in something and feel strongly about it. I sometimes feel like I'm treading lightly around my parents because I know they want to me to go back to church. I don't know what they think about me not going. I like to have facts if I'm believing in something and to me God is based on faith. It's also much easier to believe in God because almost everybody does, and if they believe why can't I believe.

Now I'm not saying all of this to hurt my parents feelings, and if I see a missionary on my doorstep I'll know exactly why they're there and probably won't be very happy about it.

I really don't know how I feel about religion and certain faiths, God in general really. I do feel I need to figure it out on my own and come to my own realization... whatever that may be. I hope whatever that may be leaves me feeling certain and less confused.